Unattainable goals

It hasn’t happened yet, but I have good reason to be hopeful.  Being the goal setter that I am, I actually made it a goal this year to skip at least one period.  Not that I could do anything concrete to achieve this (other than pray), but I made it a goal nonetheless.  I put it out into the universe, that I, Kim Heron, officially wish to stop having periods. Period.

Yep, I’m officially “on record” as not wishing to become pregnant. No tears are being shed for Motherhood here.  Let’s get this messy and horrible business over with, once and for all.  From now on, if I’m going to have a wild mood swing, I’d like it to happen sans blood.

According to the book, “Is it hot in here? Or is it me?  The Complete Guide to Menopause”; my official menopause Bible, it seems that within the perimenopause stage that I’m in, one’s cycle actually shortens up to around 21 days before it lengthens out and periods cease altogether. 

Just for kicks a month or two ago, I decided to check out how long my periods have been in this shortened phase…thinking that it had been at least a few months.  I recoiled in horror when I discovered that my periods have been happening every three weeks for the past two years!  Holy crap!  No wonder I’m cranky!

This was a plateau that I wanted to get off of already, even if I had to jump.  “Please, please God, I don’t want to be the only 85 year old woman in the retirement home still making monthly trips to the drugstore for supplies!” was my new whining mantra.

And have you been down THAT drugstore aisle lately?  There are more supplies than ever.  Shapes, styles, COLOURS!  Really, colours?  For the more fashionable among us (and you know who you are), your tampon can be wrapped in fushia or lime green, depending on your mood.  How come they never wrap them in black? Perhaps with a scull and crossbones emblazoned on the wrapper. THAT’s generally my mood at that time of the month. Light days, medium days.  I’m always on the lookout for “God I hope I’m not hemorrhaging to death” days. My guess is that’s in the hospital aisle.

Two years and counting.  Losing hope. Stocking up on supplies.  At this rate, by the time I end up ceasing to purchase tampons, I’ll probably need adult diapers.  Do they come in Fuchsia?