Make mine a double

God love my friend Linda.  There is no more fun loving, compassionate and truly funny woman roaming the Earth.  And I thought she was of sound mind, until the day that she told me about her recent colonoscopy.

Keep in mind, that this story was being told by a woman, who when coming of age in the 70’s, had embraced her inner hippie and for a time lived alone in the woods in a log cabin.  Where she had a baby.  Without drugs of any kind.

This is where I get off the boat, but hey everyone was doing it.  Why shouldn’t Linda?  Cool.  I crossed my legs, swallowed hard and tried not to think about it.

The thing you should know about colonoscopies is that they require someone to take you home because they give you some of the best drugs that money can buy to make you positively loopy.  Well, you’d have to be wouldn’t you, to let someone stick a camera up your ass?  Yep, you’d pretty much need to be three sheets to the wind, which is exactly where my friend Linda went wrong.

It seemed that her ride couldn’t be there to drive her home. A person possessing all her mental faculties might have tried the ‘phone a friend” route and called someone else.  At least put the procedure off for a day or two to think about it. Not Linda.  Expedient to the core, she had a colonoscopy without drugs.  Did I say had?  I meant survived.

Trying to justify her position, Linda recounted that the nurse at the colonoscopy clinic told her that 90% of people who have colonoscopies, do so without drugs.  The nurse lies.  No one in their right mind would let someone come at them with a 20-foot long tube with a camera and a snippy thing on the end of it without benefit of a mind-altering substance.  Or even a shot of whisky.  Or a bullet to bite on.  Poor Linda had none of the above.

Linda soldiered on.  Let’s just say that the look on Linda’s face while describing this procedure minus drugs was unbearable enough.  I’m clenching right now just thinking about it.

A word to the wise. Take the drugs.  Take every drug in the whole dang cabinet.  You don’t want to be able to stand upright at the end of it, and not because of the scope. 

Maybe there’s a new business idea here in delivering loopy baby-boomers home in a limo after the ultimate clean out and lookie loo.  If you want me, I’ll be busy getting my limousine license and thinking up a suitable name.  BIG business is about to ensue.