Kids, don't try this at home

I decided some years ago, in my infinite wisdom, to not worry about the middle age weight gain that has been rearing its ugly head and just “go with it”.  To clarify, “going with it” means that I mostly eat what I damned well want, have a glass of wine with friends on occasion and try not to look into full-length mirrors too often.

I feel that the hormonal battle raging within me simply cannot be won by any amount of push-ups, skipping or lunging anyway, and are probably doing me (and my knees) more harm than good. But then I read that the risk of breast cancer is increased when one is overweight.  AND, if that weren’t bad enough, last month I finally had to break down and go up a size in pants. Sigh.  Just when I decide to be flexible about this stage of life, it appears that I need to get off my ever-increasing posterior and get moving.

That’s when I decided one fine day to run 5K.  Not a race, just a leisurely jog/walk by myself to prove that I can still do such things, to keep the heart ticking and to try and motivate myself to keep moving. I made the decision just before lunchtime, on a partly sunny day.  I donned a hat (no sunscreen) and headed out with no water.  Here’s a clue for the clueless:  what kind of fair skinned idiot doesn’t wear sunscreen while endeavouring to run in the heat of the day with NO WATER?

And so I began. Through the hydro field…along the road that is almost like running alongside a highway.  At last, into the shaded forest.  “DO NOT SIT DOWN ON THAT BENCH TO COMMUNE WITH NATURE!”, I demanded of myself.  “For God’s sake, keep moving!”, said the drill sergeant inside my head. 

By the time I rounded the lake and got back to the parking lot, I was more than halfway done.  Feeling that I may die from dehydration, I scanned the horizon for a water fountain.  I could have sworn there used to be one in front of the washrooms in the parking lot, but to no avail.  “Don’t I pay enough taxes in this city to have a water fountain?”, I mused.

Upon desperation, I quickly ducked inside the ladies washroom to splash some water on my face and suck back a few precious drops before getting back onto the super highway to home.  Truth be told, I was forcing my aging legs to run home just to get more water.  Screw the glory of the accomplishment. I needed H20 and fast.

When I finally made it back home, 47 minutes after I began, I threw off my sweaty hat and poured myself a long tall drink of glorious water, WITH ICE.  My legs hurt, but other than that, I appeared to be OK.  Until I looked in the mirror.  My face was beet red.  Had I burned myself in the noonday sun?  Or was my blood pressure so elevated by this ridiculous stunt that I was a heart attack waiting to happen?  Rather than call 911, I jumped into a cool shower to contemplate.  When I emerged, my face was still very red. 

Note to self: DO NOT ATTEMPT SUCH FOOLISHNESS AGAIN!  Embrace the new you and be happy.