Food I don’t eat. Ever.

Last week, I proudly admitted to my food choices.  This week, I’ll give you my Never Ever, don’t even try and make me, couldn’t pay me a $1 million dollars to eat it even once list.

Zucchini

Many of my friends know of my hardships with zucchini, and still they snicker.  Yes, it's all fun and games until someone loses their stomach.  OK, so I likely wouldn’t be hospitalized, (and I have no desire to find out how much zucchini it would take to be front of line at emergency) but let’s just say that once ingested, zucchini wants to find a way out and the quicker the better. I’ve experienced a lost weekend, not from Tequila, but from the lowly, inexpensive and yet lethal zucchini.  This vegetable should come with a warning label. I’m thinking skull and crossbones.  In my case, grocers should provide a HAZMAT suit with purchase.

Peas

I’m talking here about the basic garden-variety pea; canned or otherwise.  Not necessarily the much lauded snow pea, which has been known to get through.  The reason I don’t eat peas anymore is that when I was 18, I spent 6 weeks in England that summer.  Every single day for 6 weeks on end, with the exception of heaven sent Fish & Chip night, I was served peas.  Seriously.  I’ve had my fill.  I’ve had enough for all of us, so I’ll be passing from now on to make sure there’s enough to go around.  You’re welcome.

Tofu

Yup, it’s the healthiest thing you can put in your mouth…it will change your life, help you lose 20 pounds, make you grow tits, somehow increase your net worth…it’s the Second Coming of Health Food.  Don’t care, not eating it.  When a food has no taste, the texture of mush and needs every kind of flavoring on the planet to taste like ANYTHING at all, I’ll pass.  And for those of you who think it tastes like meat…you’ve obviously never eaten meat.  Cows just taste better.  End of story.

Sauerkraut

Need I say more?  If you’ve ever had sauerkraut cooked in your home, you’ll likely never forget the smell.  Nor will you be able to get it out of your soft furnishings.  Kinda like vomit, only worse.  The wafting ability of the cooked cabbage should be studied by scientists.  I have a sick feeling that sauerkraut may be either the cure to cancer or world peace.  It would just figure.

Liver

Smells bad.  Tastes worse.  Before I tried it myself, my best friend at the time described the taste “like eating dirt.”  Well, I can honestly say, I’ve tasted better dirt.  But liver caused me to start a new subset of items I don’t eat, which falls under the general heading of “functions”.  The function of the liver is to cleanse your entire system.  When you eat liver, you’re eating the crap that the liver deemed unworthy.  Think about that while sautéing your onions.  And you’re worried about a little mercury in your fish?  Mercury tastes better.  I’ll bet my own flesh tastes better.

What are you NOT eating…not for health reasons, but because you just plain don’t like it?